Perspective

Friends, I am tired.
My 10 month old has decided sleep is for the birds. My once decent sleeper has stopped sleeping through the night over the last few months, and the majority of this week has stopped sleeping through the hour. LITERALLY. We have tried everything....supplementing with formula, sleepsack, no sleepsack, feeding, rocking, cry it out, no cry method, better daytime routines. The kid just doesn't want to sleep...unless she's laying on your chest or sleeping in bed with you (thing number 1000 I said I'd never do that I now do regularly....out of desperation honestly).

So, as I lay on the couch tonight with my dog at my feet and my restlessly sleeping babe on my chest, I was grumbling to myself in my head about yet another night with Grant's snores from the bedroom and my sighs of minimal, frequently interrupted, uncomfortable sleep. I was fretting about another sleep deprived day tomorrow, filled with yawns and caffeine, when I have so much to do.

And then the conviction came.

I realized it. This time only a year ago, I was having a different kind of sleepless night. Nights full of restlessness due to worry that I'd never have a baby to sleep on my chest. Worry that I'd never get to lay on the couch with her and cuddle. Sleep interruption because I'd wake multiple times a night panicked, waiting to feel her move, wondering if she'd died inside of me (50% of babies with Trisomy 18 are stillborn - something I just couldn't get past worrying about throughout my entire pregnancy, even after they reversed Eve's diagnosis).

How quickly we are to complain in life. How quickly we forget the blessings we have been given.

I have been in a season of wanting lately. Wanting to work less, wanting a bigger/better house, wanting my family closer to me, wanting more sleep! All this wanting has blinded me from seeing all that I have. A job that I truly enjoy, a day off a week with Eve, a house that we own with adequate space and wonderful neighbors, a "local family" full of friends that would do anything for us with a simple, quick ask. A baby to sleep on my chest in the middle of the night. A baby that wants to be near me so badly, that she wakes throughout the night asking for me to hold her. The healthy child that a year ago I didn't think I'd have.

Every time I think I'm getting over the crazy pregnancy I walked through, the losses before it, they creep back up again and hit me like a hammer on the head. That pain is deep rooted within me. But the wanting I felt then should remind me of the gift I have now. I am thankful beyond words to have Eve and all that we have here in Colorado. I'm almost embarrassed to admit I want more.

Advent is all about wanting. The wanting of Christ's coming. It's about the understanding of the gift He is to us. I am going to try hard this remaining Advent season to not focus on the wanting in my life, but on the gifts I have already been given. I'd encourage you to do the same. (And maybe we will all sleep a little better by doing so!)

To the New Mom from a New Mom

If you have kids, you will understand this next comment: Post baby, I eat my words all the time.

Pre baby, I made comments like so....
"I will want to work when I have kids. I need the social interaction."
Nope. False. While I absolutely love my job, I love my baby more and would be totally fine staying at home with her every day if it were financially possible for us.

"I'm a pretty organized person. I'm sure we will have her on a schedule."
Mostly false. I am organized. We do follow a loose schedule (she eats around the same time every day, naps within the same hour or two each day, etc), but I am quick to throw the schedule out the window any time Eve's cues don't seem to fit or when we have something to do. In order to have a social life, we found it necessary to keep her up later sometimes, change nap time around, etc. And I could care less, when I thought it would matter a great deal to me! I've learned to let her tell me what she wants, and that works for us.

"We will sleep train I'm sure."
Ha. This one makes me laugh. I thought I would be ok with "cry it out" or "sleep training". But I am far from it. I am not good at letting Eve cry for very long at all. I just can't handle it. She's still young, and I'm sure we will have to figure that out someday, but for now, if she wakes up, so do I. :)

I could go on and on.
If there's anything I have learned from having a baby, its that anyone that doesn't have a baby has no idea what its like. I "do babies" for a living being a pediatric nurse, and while that does help....I am more in tune to their development, knew how to swaddle and soothe, etc....there is so much more to parenting than schedules and milestones! I am learning and adapting all the time.

Just when I figured out how to manage myself, a baby and a household, it was time to go back to work. A huge change, more to juggle and quite the learning curve. There were tears, fights, and battles lost (mostly dishes, cooking and laundry battles lost). Almost four months back to work, I am still figuring it out. Making time to clean, cook and shower are difficult, especially on days I work when all I care about is playing with Eve for the few hours I get to see her awake. I constantly feel pulled in a million directions and there is always something to do. It is hard.

Similarly, just when we thought we had figured out the sleep thing, Eve decided to no longer sleep through the night. More tears, more fights, more battles lost. She was sleeping from 8pm to 5 or 6am pretty consistently from 3-6 months and then BAM!, no more. I know there are sleep training ways to get this to happen again, but as said above, I currently just don't have the heart for it. Weight gain has been a constant battle for us with periods of exclusive pumping, supplementing, and fortified breastmilk to make it happen, so if my baby wants to eat in the middle of the night, I'm going to feed her.

I say these things not to provoke sympathy, judgement or advice (which I'm sure I will receive all of  anyway), but to share what every mother already knows. You think you know what your parenting style will be, what you are getting into when having a baby, but you don't. You can read the books and blogs, listen to all the other moms and what they have to say, but at the end of the day, every baby and every family is truly different. I just don't think there is a right way, despite all the judgement running around. Every stage brings new surprises. You are learning who your baby is, and through every bit of that, who you are as well. Babies completely change EVERYTHING.

So if you are a new mom, take this advice. Don't stress. Remember that every challenge is just a phase that will soon pass as your baby changes. Remember that every other new mom shares similar struggles and while those struggles may vary from mom to mom, every mom has them! I still revel at the new moms who are able to do their hair, put on jewelry and look all put together every day! I can't seem to make that happen and would live in either scrubs or yoga pants if I could.

And remember that whether you keep a schedule or don't, breastfeed or don't, let them cry it out or don't, work or don't, you are their mom, and you love them more and in a different way than anyone else could, and that's what matters!

6 Months After the Miracle Arrived

6 Months. We have a 6 month old. It's hard to believe really. First of all, time flies. It still feels like yesterday that I was in the hospital holding a newborn. It still feels like yesterday that I was pregnant with her, not sure we would ever meet her alive. But she is alive, and has been for 6 months!

It was almost exactly a year ago that we were first told she may not be healthy. We went into our 13 week ultrasound full of hope that this pregnancy would work, and then left our 13 week ultrasound full of anxiety, wondering what would come. About this time a year ago I shut down all hope of what my daughter would be like. I did not let myself dream of having a healthy baby. Of watching her grow and develop a personality. But that is exactly what we are doing today. We are watching her grow and become a sweet little person. I am amazed by that daily.

Eve decided in honor of her half birthday, she would show us she was a "big girl". In the last few weeks she started sitting up on her own, getting on her hands and knees and rocking back and forth, eating pureed foods, and drooling like crazy, with a tooth visible and nearly through! She is a bubbly, happy, talkative baby full of life, which happens to be her namesake (Eve means life - we chose that name for her when we were told she wouldn't live). She brings much enjoyment to our lives!

 I feel like lately, its really setting in what we went through. How traumatic our pregnancy was (and the two years before it). I'm not sure if that is because I am starting to see the personality come out in our daughter, or if it's because we are nearing a year from the original Trisomy 18 and Triple X diagnosis, but I have been thinking about that crazy time a lot lately. I think about those "abnormalities" seen on early ultrasounds every day as I watch my baby grow. I think about the "rocker bottom feet" they saw as I watch her stand normally, strongly and bounce on Grant's knees. I think of those "clenched hands" as I watch her suck her thumb and bat at toys. She still prefers her hands in fists actually, something her pediatrician says is totally fine and normal. I think of her head and neck measurements being abnormal as I revel in how smart she is. I love watching her figure out new toys, how to open things or shut them, how to use a spoon. She recently started showing interest in everything she sees, and it is so fun to watch. I am so thankful that we decided to stay pregnant and give her a chance at life, and thankful that she is healthy and able to live that life to the fullest.

With all honesty, while there is tons of joy with this healthy little one, the fear and pain remains as well. Grant has always handled things better than me, and he is able to see the joy without the pain, but I still feel it at times. Every now and then, usually when on my own in the shower or car, I will mourn the pregnancy we had, relive what it felt like to know you would lose your child. Its in those moments, that I sometimes will give into the fear that she may not be really be healthy. I know this doubt comes from darkness and not the Lord, but I sometimes will entertain it, and then have to pull myself back out of it. Fortunately, we have a wonderful pediatrician who reassures me with every appointment. Just like the average new mother needs reassurance that its ok if their baby has a runny nose or doesn't sleep through the night, I need reassurance that Eve is healthy. Just last week, at our 6 month well check, she walked in to the appointment, took one look at Eve sitting on the table playing with a book and said "Michelle, she is so happy and healthy. Remember that". I am so thankful to have found such a wonderful pediatrician. I am thankful that she understands the struggle and is sensitive to it without me having to say a word about my fears.

I know that some day, I will look at Eve and just see Eve, not see the crazy, painful story of bringing her into this world. Or maybe I won't. Maybe her miracle story will always be there. Either way, I am thankful for it in a way. I appreciate her every milestone so much more. I appreciate every minute I get with her. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that the Lord blessed her with us. And I am learning what it is to cast out fear and trust in God when I just don't have control. That alone is reason enough to be thankful. Having this baby is challenging, amazing, joyful beyond words, and completely refining. (Honestly, that description probably rings true to everyone who has had a baby!)

Happy half birthday little love! We are so thankful for you!

Motherhood

She's here.

On January 17th at 11:06am, after 14 hours of intense natural labor, our miracle child came into the world. Brown hair and blue eyes, all 10 fingers and toes, no signs of illness or chromosomal anomalies to be found. I think it no mistake that she surprised us and came four weeks early, therefore coming on Sanctity of Life weekend. After encouragement to terminate the pregnancy when chromosomal testing revealed she was ill, that was the perfect ending to an absolutely insane pregnancy. She was 6 pounds of perfection and we were so relieved to finally have her here. I remember thinking to myself while rocking her in the middle of that first night - Finally! No more worry or fear (and now all mothers reading this are laughing at me). I was wrong.

                      

I am now two months deep into motherhood. I survived the crazy hormone fluctuations the first few weeks postpartum, the initial sleepless nights, the tears of exhaustion, the struggle of figuring out breastfeeding and what every cry means. I have gone to church with spit up on my shirt, had to open a package of wipes at the store because I forgot to pack some in the diaper bag and we had a "blowout" diaper (I of course later bought them!). I've had many days where I lay Eve down for her nap around 10 and realize I still am in pajamas, with my glasses on and haven't brushed my teeth. I have gone entire days of forgetting to brush my teeth or hair completely. I am officially a mother.

I had some idea of what new motherhood was like. I am after all a pediatric nurse and it took us awhile to have a baby so I got to observe most of our friends have babies first. What I had no idea was coming was all the worry and fear involved with motherhood. Maybe some of this is a little PTSD from our traumatic pregnancy story, but I think most of it is just being a mother. I am constantly questioning. Is she eating enough, gaining enough weight? Are we making sure she gets the right amount of sleep? Is she meeting all her milestones? Worry. Is it ok to leave her with Grant? Is it ok to leave her with a babysitter? Worry. Will something go wrong? Does she have something wrong with her? Is she still breathing? Worry. It can consume me. I have gone from worrying that my baby may not live, to worrying about every step of her life.

I think the Lord was teaching me how to relinquish control with our pregnancy stories, but I didn't expect Him to want me to relinquish control once I had a child too. And there is so much I simply can't control. I can't be with her every second and even if I could, I can't control circumstances. It is a daily battle.

I am learning how to be a mother. I thought that meant learning how to get your baby to sleep at night and to roll over, how to calm her when she cries. And some of that is true. But I think it also means learning how to trust that God is soveirgn. How to relinquish my pathetic attempts at control and let Him be in charge. How to have a perfect love for my child, which means casting out fear and trusting in the Lord. And let me tell you it's a true learning process. A daily one.

I am so blessed to have our little miracle in our lives. She is already a joy. I just pray daily that I can relish in the joys and push away the fears. Thus is motherhood....and its just beginning.

Christmas Reflections

I've been wanting to write for awhile. People have asked how we were doing and some asking me to write but I just never got the urge to. I think I have hesitated partly because we have been in a whirlwind of events between baby planning and the holidays, but mostly because I didn't want my  blog to be a big emotional mess....and I have been an emotional mess as of late.

I do think a lot of my crazy emotions are pregnancy related. You really have no control of the raging hormones within you. Most recent examples would be crying because Panera Bread was closed, crying because I didn't fit into a certain outfit, crying when hungry, and I must admit, just last night I teared up in the movie Elf of all things, when Buddy saved Christmas. If you know me, you know tears would never happen for any of those reasons normally!

But there is an element of multiple emotions linked to our story, pregnant hormones or not. I still have moments, mostly when by myself in the car or the shower, of overwhelming sadness, joy and awe all at once.  Moments of reflection on all that we have been through this year, thoughts of what it would be like to bury my child or deliver a stillborn. Lots of tears. And then more gratitude than I've ever felt before that losing her is not the story we will have, that we will get to have a child soon. More tears. A sense of wonder of how she could be healthy after all that we saw in the first half of pregnancy. More tears. It's in these quiet emotional moments that the fear creeps in as well. What if she isn't really healthy after all (although at all of our OB appointments since we got our reversed diagnosis, she has looked 100% healthy and normal)? What if something goes wrong with delivery? Or after? This kind of fear is so not what we have been called to and I have to pull myself out of it often.

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control"  -2 Timothy 1:7

Have you ever thought about the Christmas story in relation to emotion? Christmas has become so much commercialism that I think that sometimes the actual Christmas story takes a back seat. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant, maybe it's because of the gift of life we have recently been given, but I have really been thinking about all the feelings involved in the story as Christmas nears. Think about how much fear Mary and Joseph must have felt throughout all that they were called to. Fear of criticism and what others would think when she became pregnant before married, fear when there was no room in the Inn for her to deliver the baby, fear of being the parents of a savior, worry about if that would be well received, fear of all the unknown. Think about all the other emotions they must have felt. Gratitude that the Lord picked them and provided for them step by step along the way, joy as they met their son, wonder as they realized he was their savior. So many emotions.

I'm not at all trying to compare our story to the greatest birth story ever told, but I do think that our perspective is so different this year, that I may for the first time really be able to understand the story in a different way. And while I have heard this story my entire life and truly believe it is real, our situation this year certainly makes it feel more real. I understand what it means to get a gift you don't deserve better than I have before. I understand the roller coaster of emotions within it all, what it must have felt like to walk through all of that. I understand what the verse within the story means when it says "Mary pondered all these things in her heart". I can't even begin to imagine how weary Mary must have felt traveling in her third trimester, and what it could have been like to deliver a baby in a stable, not to mention the crazy emotions she must of felt knowing who she was giving birth to!

I'd encourage you this Christmas to think about the true meaning of it. To remember that the people within that story were real and to try and reflect on what it must have felt like. I'll tell you really thinking about what it must have felt like sure does give me more understanding of the wonder and awe of it all. It really is an amazing story.

I leave you with the quote my pastor used today at church when talking about the story of Jesus' birth. "It's a crazy story, that people should think is weird.......unless it was real". Don't forget how real the story really was as you go about all your Christmas activities. And don't forget what it meant for all of us!

Merry Christmas everyone!

What's in a name? 15 weeks

Trisomy 18:
The name doesn't seem so scary. But with it comes an error in cell division making our baby have three of the 18th chromosome and a long list of possible anomalies including mental retardation, heart defects, hearing impairment, organ dysfunction, low birth weight, slow growth, esophageal atresia and the list goes on and on. A lot of emotion comes with the name Trisomy 18. A lot of fear and anxiety and sadness comes with this name. A whole lot of unknown and trust in the Lord comes with this name.

Eve:
This is the name we chose for our daughter. It means so much more to us than the three letters it holds. If you look up Eve, you will see that it means "life" or "living". This is why we chose it. This is our hope for our daughter. We want her to live. At first, this meant to me my single most prayed request over the last several weeks - please Lord let my daughter be healed and live. But I think as her diagnosis has sunk in, I want more than that. Yes, I still pray every day for Eve to live. For us to get some time with her on this earth no matter what that time looks like or how long it is. We pray we get to meet her alive. But I also want her to live metaphorically through me. I want her legacy to live, whether she gets to grow on earth or not. I want her lessons to live in me over time. I want to live better because she lived. And I want people to know she is already living, within me, as I carry her. We cannot deny she is alive. We have seen her alive in ultrasounds, heard her living heart beat, felt her move. She is already alive. And for that we are grateful.

I pray often that the Lord takes away the name Trisomy 18 from Eve. But if He doesn't, we still choose life for her. And we pray that her life is meaningful in whatever way He desires.  And we are proud to say that she is currently living.

18 weeks

I had two rather incredible things happen last night.

1. I ate an entire bag of powdered donuts at around 1am. Although eating in the middle of the night I must admit is not uncommon for me (even Un-pregnant this is a norm), eating an entire bag of straight up sugar and fat definitely is. It was quite the feat and I'm not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed. And to top it off what did I want for breakfast this morning? Powdered donuts of course. I had to get some at the gas station on the way to work.....sad.

2. I felt Eve move. I was so sad and somewhat panicked when the ultrasound tech told me a few weeks ago that my placenta is in the front and therefore I won't feel her move as much or as often because she really has to be pushing for me to feel it. How would I know that she is still ok and alive in there without knowing that she is moving? 4 weeks apart for an ultrasound is a long time when you have a Trisomy 18 diagnosis and could lose your daughter at any time. But laying still while trying to sleep, I am certain I could feel her. Little flutters in my belly that almost feel like she is doing flips. It was a great reassurance and exactly what I needed as we are at the midpoint in between ultrasounds and playing the waiting game.

So...while I yawned my way through a very busy day at work today and I felt pretty sick and sleep deprived this morning, what a great night I had. Donuts and connecting with your babe...what could be better? Flip on little Eve....and I will eat on. :)

16 weeks

Yesterday, we saw her.

It was the first time we have seen her since her diagnosis. I know that was only two weeks ago, but boy has it has felt like an eternity. I had a lot of anxiety I must admit. We are trying to live every day with no expectations, to live trusting in God's plan for this. But I've learned no expectations doesn't mean no fear. I know that she could leave us at any time, that she could look different than normal ultrasounds, that she could start measuring behind or have major abnormalities. And I am afraid. Really more afraid of losing her than anything else.

But seconds into our ultrasound, fear was no longer what I was feeling. No, it was joy. Seeing her flip around and wiggle about and to see her little heart beating, it was joyful. Not because of a good report, although she measured behind, her heart rate was normal, one of her little hands was open and she had no clubfeet. But the joy came before we knew these things. the joy came because she was mine, and for now, she is alive.

We know that yesterday's happy ultrasound does not mean she is normal. It doesn't mean she will survive. DNA does not lie and it's too early to see her heart or brain, the two areas that will likely be the problem, and sometimes the "markers" for Trisomy 18 are not even seen on ultrasound. But we are thankful for the little joys we are learning to find in this pregnancy. And yesterday's ultrasound was definitely one of them. Eve Elaine, you bring us joy baby girl.

16 weeks pregnant

Eve Elaine: 16 weeks, 4 days

A Winding Road - 14 weeks

If you saw my Facebook recently, then you saw my post of a quote from John Piper. I found this quote at the first of the year in the middle of a flooded house, a uterus surgery and a torn ACL. I clung to it then and must admit, while I have never read the book it came from, after months of this winding road, I still cling to the quote.

I know we are not guaranteed peace or happiness in life. I hate the "prosperity gospel" of the south for saying so. That is not what the bible promises. Not what Jesus came for. I know that the Lord refines us and we are given the chance to glorify Him throughout our trials and along our winding and troubled road. I just didn't know my winding road would have so many switchbacks and boulders and slippery curves all at once. That we would have so many trials and struggles all in the same year or two. And I could not have ever known this new one was coming.

You never think it will happen to you. Trouble starting a family? Not me - no one in my family has had that problem. A miscarriage? Nah - only 1 in 5 women have one. A miscarriage after seeing a healthy heartbeat? No way, less than 1% of women who see a healthy heartbeat on an ultrasound go on to miscarry. More than one miscarriage? Of course not - only 1% of women have more than one miscarriage at all. And this?....

What I have learned is that statistics never correlate with God's plan. And while I have no idea why, His plan for us is much different than our own once again. This third pregnancy, after surgery to fix some uterine problems that were causing our miscarriages, a completely unrelated issue has come about. At 15 weeks pregnant, our little girl was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. A girl. We are having a little girl, if the Lord allows us to have her. And if you ask me did I think this would happen? Absolutely not. 1 in 6000 births have Trisomy 18. 6000. And we had chromosome testing after our second miscarriage - we don't carry an increased risk for these problems. Our first two little ones were tested - they did not have chromosomal problems leading to their deaths. 1 in 6000. We seem to always go against the grain.

This is not what I envisioned for my little girl. I envisioned twirling in fancy dresses and running through fields picking wildfowers. Playing in the river downtown and learning to ski with her daddy. I envisioned boy craziness and prom dresses and a wedding someday. I envisioned a new best friend. Instead, I will have to say goodbye to my princess way too soon.

We pray we get the chance to see some of those things in this little girl. We pray for a miracle and truly believe in them. I see them at work in the hospital all the time. We pray for healing. We pray that we get to meet her. We pray for life. And if that is not the Lord's plan for her, then we pray that we glorify Him in how we handle all of this.

We have chosen to carry this through unto completion, whatever that looks like. I will literally carry this little girl along "switchback after switchback", through "the seemingly unknown trail through the mountains", until the Lord brings her home. Whenever that may be. We ask that you pray with us that she would be healed, that she would get the chance to have life and live it to the fullest. We ask that you would pray for us, that we would have peace and understanding as we are on this journey. Life truly is a miracle. We have seen that first hand while trying to create it.

"Life is a winding and troubled road. Switchback after switchback. And the point of biblical stories is to help us feel in our bones not just know in our heads that God is for us in all these strange turns. The life of the godly is not a straight line to glory but a dark and seemingly unknown trail through the mountains. There are rockslides and slippery curves and hairpin turns that make us go backward in order to go forward. But along this hazardous twisted road that doesn't let you see very far ahead and may even make you feel like you've been led to the edge of a cliff, God gives us encouragement and hope that all the perplexing turns in our lives are going somewhere good. Often when we think God is farthest from us or has even turned against us, the truth is that he is laying the foundation for greater happiness in our lives. God is plotting for our joy. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ. That is a sweet and bitter providence."
-John Piper

Don't believe in Miracles? Read Our Story

A roller coaster. That's the only way I can think to describe the last 4-5 months. And not just any roller coaster, one traveling at lightening fast speed, stuck in only "go", forcing you to take sharp turns, gut wrenching drops, climb steep hills and flipping you upside down over and over until your are physically sick. This has been our life. Starting a family has not been easy for us. But after 2 years, 2 miscarriages, lots of tests, and a uterine septum (extra wall in my uterus) diagnosis that we surgically fixed in January, we were hoping to finally be in the clear.

When we found out early June we were pregnant again, I spent the first 12 weeks holding my breath and begging the Lord to let my body be able to carry this baby. I was terrified of a miscarriage. I felt so relieved when we made it to week 13, the farthest we had ever made it before. At our 13 week appointment we decided to do the early screening tests, not really because we were worried - we had chromosome testing after our second miscarriage and were not carriers of anything - but more because I wanted the additional ultrasound for peace of mind that a third miscarriage was not impending.

We thought this ultrasound with yet another healthy heartbeat would mean we were finally getting off the roller coaster, when really, our roller coaster was just beginning. 

The Ultrasonographer had just gotten a new machine and we were the first people to use it so when the baby's neck measured a little off, we all chalked it up to being that. Believe it or not, at 13 weeks, a large neck measurement can mean cardiac problems or chromosome problems so our OB, while he admittedly thought that things were fine, recommended we do a "Free Cell DNA Test". This is a very expensive blood test that can test the baby's DNA that floats around in my blood stream. It is 99.9% accurate in diagnosing chromosomal problems, is no risk to the baby, and insurance will cover it when your ultrasound measurements are off. We agreed to the test and figured if nothing else, we would get to find out the baby's sex early which would be fun!

The test was a sendout so I spent the next week trying not to be anxious while Grant simply spent it wondering if we were having a boy or girl. And then, I got the call while in Breckenridge on a work trip. My OB told me that we were having a girl, but that she actually came back positive for two different chromosomal anomalies. The first was Trisomy X. This meant she had three X Chromosomes instead of two. It caused no known problems and is more common than you'd think. But the second was Trisomy 18. Three of the 18th Chromosome that occurs in about 1 in every 6000 pregnancies. This causes the brain to communicate to the body incorrectly. It causes severe developmental and cardiac problems, as well as an entire list of possible other deformities. These babies were deemed "incompatible with life".  50% of them are stillborn before their due date and the other 50% that are born alive are not expected to make it past their first year of life.

And the roller coaster just flipped me and my world upside down. 

Grant came out to Breckenridge to get me and we spent the rest of the day processing, crying, praying and walking along the river. We shared the news with our families, small group at church, and a few close friends, but quickly became overwhelmed with even saying it. Our baby would not live. We met with a Genetecist at Children's Hospital (where I work) two days later who gave us a very detailed picture of the possible futures of this pregnancy, and also informed us that 90% of the people with this diagnosis choose to terminate the pregnancy. Terminating was not an option for us. I am so thankful to God that we were on the same page with that first of many difficult decisions. This was not an option obviously because of our faith and belief that she was already alive, but also because she was our daughter and we wanted to meet her, whatever that looked like. While the doctors respected our decision, they were definitely surprised by it. I can't count how many times I was asked about terminating in the next several weeks of appointments with different high risk groups we encountered.

And the roller coaster then began it's extreme ups and downs.

We began weeks of research, appointments, tests, multiple ultrasounds, discussions and difficult decisions - from how we would want to deliver a stillborn to burial vs. cremating to NICU and palliative care plans if she lived. We dealt with people's unwarranted and sometimes inappropriate opinions and comments about our decisions. We dealt with crazy emotions, navigating how to handle questions about our pregnancy from strangers or acquaintances, how much to share with friends and family, and for me, the difficulty of working in the very hospital that I would now deliver and hope to meet my child alive. Work was hard. Looking pregnant every day knowing you weren't going to actually have a child was hard. Questions were hard. And the multiple decisions we had to make were very hard.We prayed for healing every day. We asked that of our friends and family. But we also prayed for peace, for guidance, for a chance to meet our daughter, and for strength to honor God and be a witness in how we handled this whole experience. We decided to name her Eve, which means life, and that became my single most prayer for her - that she would have life.

And the roller coaster takes another sharp turn.

Our "big appointments" came at Children's. The high def anatomy scan and echo-cardiogram of Eve's heart. After weeks of showing us things that looked off on the preliminary ultrasounds we had, astonishingly, they found nothing wrong that day. Nothing with her body, her organs, no fluid on her brain, none of the "typical markers" they should see at 21 weeks pregnant. Plus, previous off measurements of her limbs and head were gone. After a lot of prayer and discussion, we decided to do an Amniocentesis procedure to see if we could figure out why our DNA blood test and our recent ultrasounds were not aligning. I originally refused Amniocentesis because of the high risk for miscarriage/early labor associated with the procedure (when you've had the last 2 years that we have, 1 in 300 no longer sounds like a low risk). The procedure was as scary and uncomfortable as I'd feared, but my OB did a wonderful job and after a few days of lots of prayer against losing her, some scary uterine spasms and some unexpected bedrest, I was thankful that we did it. We just wanted off the roller coaster and were hoping this would at least help us figure out emotionally what path we were really taking. The doctors were thinking the Amnio would come back as "Mosaic" Trisomy 18. This is a less severe type of Trisomy 18 where not all the cells are affected. We were praying for healing, but still knew this was a longshot and may not be the path the Lord had for us. DNA doesn't lie, we had seen things wrong on previous ultrasounds, my doctors had never seen the blood test that diagnosed us be wrong, and it was even more unlikely to be wrong given we had two abnormalities show up and not just one.

And the roller coaster was stuck at the top of a steep hill, not moving, teetering like it just might drop. 

This has been the longest week of my life. A week full of prayer, tears, trust and fear. They said to expect the results around Thursday, and I knew in "hospital time" that meant Friday or even Monday. So I was surprised when my OB called me from his personal cell phone late Thursday night. He said he wanted to call to give us our results as soon as possible because he couldn't believe them himself. Our Geneticist had texted him the results before the paperwork was even faxed over because they were so unbelievable. Eve's chromosomes came back completely normal. All of them. No Trisomy X. No Trisomy 18. Nothing. He said the entire team of doctors were literally scratching their heads trying to figure out how this could happen. None of them had seen a false positive and this would mean we had TWO false positive results on our initial DNA test!!! Plus, we had seen red flags for Trisomy 18 in growth and development on our 13, 16 and 18 week ultrasounds and they just disappeared at 21 weeks! Grant and I know how this happened. We know it was the power of prayer and the Lord's mercy and provision.

Whether you believe these were true initial results at 13 weeks pregnant and the Lord healed our little girl, or you believe that we were the 1/10th of 1% that got the false positive in our bloodwork, both explanations are pretty miraculous. And we are beyond grateful. We thank you to those who have ridden this roller coaster with us, for your prayer, your shared tears, your meals, your sweet thoughtful gifts and support. We know that people have been praying for Eve from all over the country, people we do not even know. We want you to know that we believe your prayers are what has healed her, and we could never thank you enough for that. We ask you to continue to pray for her throughout the rest of this pregnancy, that we would finally be off the roller coaster and would deliver a healthy happy baby in a few more months. We ask you to pray as we have, that her life would be a wonderful testament to the Lord who blessed her with it. We love you all and it is with unexplainable joy that we are happy to announce (5.5 months into pregnancy).....

Coming Valentine's Day 2015.....our little miracle.....Eve Elaine Usry!!

PS - if you are curious what life was like in the midst of this last several weeks in more detail, I posted (on my blog but not on facebook) a few of the many blogs I had written and saved during that time. I wasn't sure I'd ever post them, but it now seems appropriate.

Good Ol' Gospel

When I need encouragement, I always revert to gospel music. Not KLUV christian type music, I'm talking Kirk Franklin, Fred Hammond, Donnie McClurkin.

Grant isn't a fan of the gospel music I have. All he hears is lots of clapping and cheering and repeating of the same lines over and over.  But that cheering and uplifting sound, those repeating lyrics - they speak to me. It might seem strange, a very white woman in Colorado listening to stand up and dance type gospel music on a regular basis, but it has been frequent on my Ipod this last 12 months. I think it was ingrained in me from my teenage days, listening to gospel (and lots of r&b and rap) on the bus on the way to track meets. And with Brandi, Carly and Kelsey, swapping gospel albums while traveling in my college track days. Whatever it was, it has stuck with me, and I always go back to that kind of music when I need a pick me up (yes I know....I just got very strange in the eyes of many. I'm ok with that).

Maybe it's because it's mother's day wknd or because it's May, but I woke up early this am, and today is a gospel kinda day. Thought I'd share some of the beautiful lyrics found amidst all the clapping and cheering in these artists' songs:
 
When I cannot hear the sparrow sing
And I cannot feel the melody
There's a secret place that's full of grace
There's a blessing in the storm
Help me sing it
There's a blessing in the storm

When the sickness won't leave my body
And the pain just won't leave my soul
I get on my knees and say, "Jesus please"
There's a blessing in the storm
Help me sing it
There's a blessing in the storm

When I cannot seem to love again
And the raindrops won't ever end
If you just hold on
Those clouds will soon be gone

There's a blessing in the storm
Help me sing it
There's a blessing in the storm
-Kirk Franklin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3YLn9xAq1c

Ooh child things are gonna get easier
Ooh child things will get brighter
Ooh child things are gonna get easier
Ooh child things will get brighter

Some day we'll put it together and we'll get all down
Some day we'll walk in the rays of the beautiful sun
Some day when the world is much brighter

if you're tired of the crying
if you're tired of people dying
if you're tired of the fighting
no more wars, no lying
all the people in the world
every boy every girl
you know it's not over until God says that it's over
come on
-Donnie McClurkin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUSY1ydMpi8

Here's another just for fun:
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97hgMZFH5BM

And just to prove Gran't doesn't share my same affinity for this style of music, he just woke up and yelled from the bedroom "Is that Gospel? Put on a better wakeup song!!!"
G, You know you like it. :)

The "Are you kidding me?" month

Oh the irony.
On our way down to Dallas over Christmas, Grant and I had a conversation about how much we were looking forward to 2014 and starting afresh after a really rough 2013. And then January came.

In the last 5 weeks: we had a burst pipe attached to the toilet that flooded our house - our laundry room, hallway, guest bedroom, office and both bathrooms had to be completely remodeled (and are still under construction), we showered at the gym for a week, we moved into a hotel for 3 weeks, I got diagnosed with a clotting disorder, I tore my ACL skiing 4 days before a scheduled surgery, I had that scheduled surgery (a hysteroscopic metroplasty), and Grant's car got broken into.


Needless to say, things have been a little wild and overwhelming! But throughout the last 5 weeks, we have also learned some things that I think are invaluable, and I wanted to share a few.

1. Stuff is just stuff.
Material possessions being lost/ruined really didn't bother us in light of the health issues I had going on. We can live without nice stuff, even without a shower and be just fine thank you! Relationships and health are so much more important. And we are thankful that we haven't lost those.

2. We have invaluable, fabulous friends.
I have always wondered about having support in Denver, away from our close and wonderful families. I wondered how things would go if something went wrong and/or with having kids. But we have been incredibly loved by neighbors, friends, and our community group at church in a way I never expected in the last year, and especially in January. They have opened their homes to us, fed us meals, took care of me after my surgery, prayed for us, encouraged us with texts and letters, and even helped us pack/unpack our house! We would not have gotten through the last month without them and I could never express how much gratitude I have for them!

3. When someone offers to help, take it.
This one was hard for me. I usually am the one offering. I also hate to inconvenience people. With our miscarriages, I turned a lot of help offers down. But this time, we seriously needed the help. Feeling really weak and sick post op with no house and no working kitchen and on crutches = HELP!

4. It's ok to have help.
Also hard for me. I am the independent, I can do it on my own, type girl. So much so that Grant and I used to argue about me not letting him help when we first got married! I have learned so much humility through the last several weeks. God made us to help and have help. There is truly a season for both. I now understand that. And it has been a beautiful lesson.

5. God will give you more than you can handle.
You know, so often people spout out, "God won't give you more than you can handle" as some offhand type of encouragement when things aren't going your way. I disagree. The verse does not say that. The verse is not referring to that. The verse says he won't give you more temptation than you can bear. It's not talking about tragedy, misfortune, health issues, or house floods. It's talking about sin. I think it's the opposite. I think God gives you more than you can handle. I think He allows it as a sort of test, as a lesson. And then He gives you His word, His strength, His comfort, and His people to help you through the overbearing times.

Hoping that our uphill battle is on it's way to downhill soon. But so thankful for the love and support we are receiving and the lessons we are learning while climbing up our hill!

30 for 30

2013 has been rough for us.

Many of you know this if you walk through day to day life with us, as Grant and I agreed a long time ago that we would always share our struggles openly so that we had appropriate support, love, and guidance throughout life's imminent trials. We really believe in the necessity of a strong community to walk through the goods and bads of life with you, which is a lot of why we choose to lead a "community group" through our church.

But if you aren't in our day to day lives, I never felt the need to share. I'm not really the kind that shares my every life's detail on facebook/blogs. However, it occurred to me tonight that maybe someone else that isn't in my immediate lifeline needs to hear my story. And so share I will.

I am supposed to be 9 months pregnant right now. I am also supposed to be 15 weeks pregnant right now. But instead, I am not pregnant. In fact, I just had 15 vials of blood drawn on Friday to try and figure out why I can't seem to stay pregnant. I have had two miscarriages this year, both at the end of my first trimester. I had two D&Cs this year, exactly 6 months apart to the day, one on May 22nd, the other November 22nd. December 19th is supposed to be my first baby's due date. December 19th is also one month exactly from when I found out we for sure had lost our second baby. December 19th will be a difficult day.

We know God is writing our story. But honestly, after this second miscarriage, trouble recovering physically from this second D&C, and less support this time due to other strife within my family and holiday distractions, I have been struggling to hang on to this promise the last few weeks. I have been at a loss of where to go from here. What to do now. I have felt very alone. I have been an emotional roller coaster. And then today, God spoke to me in an unusual place to help calm my crazy heart.

We were watching a 30 for 30 episode tonight and I had an epiphany through the life of Maurice Clarett. If you know who Maurice Clarett is, you would not find a correlation between recurrent miscarriages and the story of a troubled athlete let go from Ohio State for something silly, which spiraled him into a world of drug dealing/alcohol that led to 4 years in prison. But this story touched my heart. I related to Maurice and how lost he felt after not being allowed to play football. The only other time I have felt truly lost in my life was when I blew my knee out end of junior year of college, had two surgeries and couldn't really contend in track anymore. I thought being a successful athlete was my purpose at the time. And I feel lost now, perhaps because my heart's desire is a baby and I thought that being a mother should be my purpose right now.

But my epiphany truly occurred when Jim Tressel was talking about Maurice. Jim Tressel, Ohio State coach in the early 2000s explained Maurice's situation as: "Your goals constantly revise based upon your circumstance, but your greater purpose, your true reason for being, always supra cedes." Maurice's true reason for being supra ceded his bad luck and poor choices. It supra ceded his desire to be a player in the NFL. God had a greater purpose for him. He is now out of prison, a good father, a motivational speaker and working with Jim Tressel to empower young athletes to make good choices.  His life now is much more influential than his life could have been as a successful football player and I pray he chooses to let God continue to use him.

My greater purpose in this chapter of our lives will supra cede as well. It may mean I won't have children of my own blood, which could become a beautiful story. It may mean I do have a child in the near future and appreciate that child all the more after losing two this year. I don't know. But it was a great reminder that God is always working in our lives, in good times and bad, and always has a plan of where our lives will go if we trust in Him.

So thanks ESPN for this 30 for 30. Who knew it would touch me with my very unrelated (as it seems anyway) story. I will try to remember these lessons as we walk through the next few months, mourning the loss of two children in 2013 and trying to figure out what 2014 holds for us.

De Ja Vu

6 months ago exactly from today, on May 21st, I found out that we had lost our first baby. Things had looked fine up to that point. Healthy ultrasound two weeks prior, healthy heartbeat, baby measured correctly. And everything just stopped at 11 weeks along. 6 months ago to the day tomorrow, on May 22nd, I had a D&C. It was horrific and tragic, but we chose to see it as a blessing. We believe that miscarriage occurs when chromosomes don't add up correctly, therefore, they are a blessing as the pregnancy stops before the baby progresses on too far and then later wouldn't survive or would have severe deficits and deformities.

Tomorrow, 6 months to the day after our first D&C, I am having another D&C.  I am almost 12 weeks pregnant, only things never looked right this time from our first ultrasound on. The pregnancy felt right - I have been very sick and tired, and with all the typical pregnancy symptoms. My HCG and Progesterone levels have been rising correctly. But the baby was not progressing normally on the ultrasounds. The baby was measuring behind. For the last three weeks we have begged and prayed and pleaded with the Lord to work a miracle inside me and provide us with a healthy baby. Prayed our dates were just off or we just had a little "late bloomer". On Tuesday, we found that His answer was not the answer we were hoping for.

A friend at work, who has also suffered multiple miscarriages and eventually had to go to other routes to have a child, was talking with me today. She said to me that she felt fertility problems of any kind, and definitely recurrent miscarriages, were a different kind of grief than most grief in this world. If you have gone through similar struggles, you would understand this. It's not just one event of grief, the miscarriage, the loss, but it's the little grief, the constant little things that cause recurrent grief over and over. It's the dates that you remember (I would have been this many weeks along, I would have been in this trimester today) every week from then on. It's the grief every month from then on, trying to get pregnant again and mourning the losses of your first tries all at the same time. Mourning when you aren't pregnant and mourning when you are. It's every baby you see or baby things you see in the store (or at work for me). It's every time you see a friend or a loved one get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy, when yours just won't work right despite every effort. It's the due dates of your lost babies (for me, December 19th and June 14th will forever be hard days).

God doesn't promise us a life without grief or hardship. He doesn't promise us children or that things will always go the way we plan. This is hard for me as a planner. And this has not at all been my plan. But He does promise that He has a plan for our lives, whether it matches mine or not, one with a hope and a future. And He does grieve with us (I love the story when "Jesus Wept" as he heard his friend Lazarus died, even though he knew that Lazarus would be revived from the dead later).

Am I sad? Yes. Do I wish this were the way things happened with my life? No. But I also know that trials in life bring me closer to family and Christ than any other time. While we go through this again and are obviously devastated, we know God is writing our story. We know He has a plan and will see it on to completion, whatever route of having children His plan may be. And we know that the day we do have our first child, in whatever method that may come, will be ever sweeter because it has been so much work and tribulation getting there.

Tragedy

I haven't blogged in awhile. I thought about blogging after the theater shootings in Aurora. At the time, I was a bit too directly involved for it to feel appropriate. But there was another mass shooting today. In another unimaginable place where you should feel safe....a public elementary school in a small suburban town. And today, I want to write.

Being a certified wound care nurse in an Aurora, CO hospital, literally minutes from the theater where James Holmes attacked, I treated several of the patients from the horrific shootings this summer. My pager went off about an hour after the shootings, but I don't take "call" since I'm the only wound nurse in the hospital, so I didn't answer it. I often get ridiculous pages at 2am, like "I need a specialty mattress" or "I can't find this dressing". But when I awoke around 6 that morning and saw my phone with missed calls, I knew something was up. I rushed to the hospital shortly after.

If you are an acute care medical provider, you'll understand me when I say I thrive in emergent situations. It's in our personalities, part of our jobs to be cool and collected during chaos, to work quickly and fluidly in critical times. While I missed most of the ER chaos by the time I got there, my consult list that day was still cluttered with shooting victims. It was work as usual - wound VACs, dressing changes, and treatment plans. I see horrific things in my job often....burn victims, car crashes, crazy accidents. But this was different. These were adults and children seriously wounded or even killed, by a selfish gunman who lived and worked across the street from my hospital. No one saw it coming and no one could fathom why it occurred. I may have been composed at work that week, but cried driving home most days. This situation has changed me forever. It made a mass tragedy real. I saw the effects of the tragedy, I met the victims and their families. I heard stories of the friends or family members that were shot and/or murdered right in front of them. I will forever be affected by this. Public crowds make me nervous.  I have started looking for an escape route when in a busy place, just in case. The first movie we saw in a theater since the shooting was just a few weeks ago - and I truly struggled while sitting there.

I will never understand the motive behind a shooting like that. Not in Aurora, and not in Connecticut. Innocent people just living their everyday lives? How can this happen? Evil. That's how.

The older I get, the more I understand and believe in spiritual warfare. When I was younger, it was just flitty images in my head after reading a Frank Peretti book with angels and demons fighting. Now, I see. It's real. Talking to victims in the Aurora shootings, I can't deny that there was spiritual warfare in the theater that night. I believe that the angels, the heavenly hosts you sing about in Christmas songs, won out after awhile in that battle - I believe this is why James Holmes' gun jammed, why his apartment, rigged with explosives didn't go off. I believe that's why the shooter's gun jammed after only killing two in the Oregon mall the other day. There was spiritual warfare in the Connecticut school today. And Satan may have won, but he will not win out in the end.

I pray for the victim's families today, for the teachers and children who survived, for the first responders who will have that massacre in their minds for days to come. This tragedy is real. It will fade on TV, but it will haunt those affected forever. I don't know why these things occur. Why they seem to occur more often lately. But I know that Satan is real, and really evil. I know that God is real, and really in control. I pray that those affected in this tragedy will find the Lord's comfort during this time. And I pray that people will believe in the spiritual war around us.

Sunshine and Springtime

Wow spring has flown by! It's almost summer...which is absolutely insane to me! The good news is, Colorado's spring was fabulous! We haven't had snow since February, it's been in the 60s-70s most days, and of course in CO - SUNNY SUNNY SUNNY! I didn't realize it until I moved here, but this really is the sunshine state. And while I truly do miss thunderstorms, I'll definitely take 300 days a year of sunshine. So what have we done with all this amazing spring weather? LOTS!

A few weeks ago, we traveled our way down to Lake City to visit the Ravanesis! They are good friends from Dallas who now live/work at Sky Ranch Ute Trail. Eudaly surprised us with a last minute visit the same week so he tagged along as well! I think Grant was in heaven. While I love Colorado and am a pretty outdoorsy athletic gal, I also happen to love the city life. G? He could live in a cabin in the woods for the rest of his life if you let him. Fish everyday and look at the stars at night. That's all he needs. Lake City has no fast food, no shopping, and only 3 restaurants (we went to the same one twice while there! hahaha) The closest hospital is an hour away in Gunnison and a mall? Forget it. You have to drive 4 hours to Denver! We loved our time there. Grant got his "man" fix with fly fishing and mountain biking and I got my "baby" fix with Lizzie! (Matt and Jennie's four month old baby)

We also have been busy in Denver! Dinners downtown, days in the park, a few fishing trips, and even a 5k, we are truly Denverites these days!

Finally, our favorite event in the last few months, Totally Tennyson! Tennyson street is the main drag in our neighborhood, with shops, wine bars, and restaraunts all along it. They annually host a fundraiser for the Denver Public Schools in which they shut the street down and turn it into an 80s pub crawl! We had a blast. Dressed to impress in our 80s gear, we hit the street and ate and drank until we were almost sick. Live 80s bands, free giveaways, and even the Ghostbusters car - it was SO FUN!

Moral of the story? We are loving CO and we love SPRING!

Ode to Public School

For those of you who know me, you know I am passionate about public school. I grew up in an inner city public school system and truly believe I am a better person because of it. The combination of a strong christian faith/background and a non-christian school has made me who I am today. And I have an amazing appreciation for loving and giving others of all kinds because of it. While I was a student, I didn't realize how missional my parents lived while we were at Irving High, but looking back now, they were amazing. Particularly with my track team. Coming to every game or sitting at the meets all day to be able to cheer for every athlete, encouraging my teammates and friends to be in our home regularly, even having my friends live in our home often, buying food for the track girls, buying shoes for the track girls, helping buy uniforms for the girls. Carting friends of all demographics/backgrounds to church and standing up for them when comments were made (I hate to admit it, but comments were made - which is why the church is imperfect). They shone a light in some of my friends lives that those girls couldn't have seen anywhere else, and were "mom and dad" to several of those girls who didn't have families otherwise. I can only hope that I can be a glimpse to my children's friends/teammates in an inner city school or sports team that my parents were to mine.

Now don't get me wrong, Grant had a great experience in private school and has made life long friends through that experience, but I just have a heart and passion for the large public school scene.

So naturally, when we wanted to get involved in a church, part of what led me to love Park Church is their passion and service to the public schools in our neighborhood, particularly North High School. For the last year, Grant and I have served North in any way we can through the church. Cookies for teacher appreciation, fundraiser events, giving money or time, and especially by serving monthly at Young Life North. Once a month, we make dinner for the Young Life Kids and serve it on Monday night. We go early and Grant plays basketball with the boys while I get the food ready. We stay and set up/tear down for the games and meeting time, and we participate with the kids in any way we can. It has been so fun. I have constant flashbacks of my own time at youth group in the "Crooked I". Good ole days at Plymouth Park and FCA. Spam toss, water balloon fights, passing oreos from mouth to mouth - ALL OF THESE GAMES ARE STILL PLAYED! I will say, I am getting old, because the thought of participating in these games grosses me out now! But I used to love them and the high school kids now do as well!

Last week was our last week to serve for the school year. We had Young Life outside since the weather was so great. Pizza and soda picnic, then lots of outdoor games. I finally snapped some pics of the kids playing games.

I am so blessed to have been a part of a public school and particularly being a part of that volleyball and track team. It taught me alot. And I can't imagine my life without it. Who would I be without days of "booty dancing" on the bus after meets? Watching "Love and Basketball" over and over? Meme practicing cornrows on my hair? Being a part of a big, booming UIL sports system and all the competition that entailed? I wouldn't have changed a minute of it.

Thanks mom and dad for sending me to IHS. Thanks for loving on my teammates and teaching me how to live, love and serve. Here's to Young Life North and public school!

A Colorado Easter

Our first holiday at "home". And by home, I mean home where we live, not home where are from.

We opted not to go home (to Texas - I know my "home" referencing can get quite confusing!) for Easter this year in attempt to invest in our city, our friends, and our church here in Denver over the holiday instead  (Not to mention flights on holidays are RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE!). So invest we did! We had a blast.

Friday night, we had a reflective service of mourning in honor of Jesus' death on the cross. It was a short time of worship and scripture reading. It was beautiful. It made good Friday so much more reflective. Even more meaningful to me since I had a hectic and busy day at work that day, with critically ill patients and disagreement amongst services on how to treat them. My work day Friday gave me no time to reflect. I got home and was stressed and frustrated (it's not a holiday here like it is in Texas! And yet...we get President's day off?! That's frustrating in itself!). I was even thinking I was too exhausted to go to the church service. I'm so glad we went. It reminded me to quit focusing on trivial things here on earth, like the person at work who rubbed me wrong way or the wound that isn't healing as fast as I'd like, and start focusing on why I work in the first place. To be a light to those people. To share the gifts the ultimate healer gave me. Who am I to think I'm healing those wounds in the first place?

Saturday we had a fun surprise! Tauber and his GF came to town and we got to hang with them! Well, let me clarify. It was a surprise to me - my husband knew all about it. Even the fact that they were staying with us. He just forget to mention it to his loving wife. :) We went hiking and the boys fished in the afternoon while Kristen and I sat by the river and read. It was fabulous.

 Sunday was perfect. Beautiful and sunny - 75 degrees. We went to breakfast with Tauber and Kristen and then headed over to Sloans Lake to Park Church's Easter BBQ! It was great! The kiddos had an easter egg hunt and I must say, the little ones from our small group made out with a killing of candy! Then we ate amazing brisket and potluck style sides, Grant got beat in ladderball by a 7 year old, and cornhole and frisbees were thrown all afternoon!

We then headed home, rested up, and went back to church at 6. The service was a perfect celebration of Christ. We started with baptism....

After baptism we headed into the church, where each of us were handed a flower and before sitting at our seat we placed it in a jar at the alter of the church. Then it was worship time. Page CXVI (our worship band) did an amazing job and it was a beautiful time of singing and praise.

Brian gave a great sermon and we sang some more. Then we headed out to dinner with some friends. Not exactly the fancy feast my extended family always makes on Easter, in fact, it was mexican food! But it definitely will suffice.

We missed our family in Dallas and our traditional Easter, but are truly glad we stayed. We had a great time with Park Church, Taub and Kristen, and our good friends from small group. Maybe next Easter family will come up to us and enjoy Easter the Denver way!

Texas Relays and Track Reminiscing

I love track and field. It may not be the most popular sport in the US, but it certainly is my favorite.

I MISS track and field. I was so fortunate to get to jump in college for Arkansas back in the day. Does 5 years ago count as back in the day? I think it does. My body is certainly not what it used to be and I certainly couldn't go out and run as fast, jump as high, or lift the amount of weight I could then, so back in the day certainly makes that seem more acceptable! So yes - I miss high jumping back in the day and this last weekend made me miss it all the more!

Grant and I got to fly to Austin and meet up with my parents and Meme to see the Texas Relays! This was one of my favorite track meets when I was competing. There are so many memories and emotions revolving around that meet. It's one of the largest meets in the country - with high school, college, and professionals all competing over 4 days. I fell in love with high jump in 8th grade when my dad took me to Texas Relays to watch Erin Aldridge (a volleyball player and high jumper for UT who was my idol as a kid). I competed there for the first time my softmore year, all wide eyed and terrified at how huge and loud the crowd was.  I competed and placed in the state competition there my senior year of high school, missing most of my prom to do so. I hid under the bleachers with Jessica Johnson as it poured down rain my freshman year of college, jumping in a monsoon first.  I jumped the best I ever had and received 2nd place at Texas Relays my junior year of college. And then....I tore my knee in a warm up jump and jumped the worst I ever did in college my senior year, ending my high jump career and having surgery soon after. Lots of memories. Lots of emotion. So it was a little bittersweet going back. But it sure did bring up lots of reminiscing! Here's a few pics I have on my computer from time I competed there. I have lots more but they are pre digital age. :)

Softmore year of high school outside our hotel - haha - I'm pretty sure all of us stayed in one hotel room. Oh the IHS days...and this was the year Maurice Green ran and Meme hyperventilated and acted a fool when she saw him!

Junior year of college - clearing 5'10 and getting 2nd place

So after competing there for 8 years, this was the first year I returned to be a spectator at the blessed Texas Relays! And although it brought up lots of emotion, it was fabulous! A great time with my parents and my sis Meme, wonderful weather, tons of talent, and even a tan! Amy Acuff high jumping, getting to see old teammates Wallace Spearman and LaShante Moore run in the pro events, seeing my college alma mater compete, several future olympians around, and even watching the cute little high school teams run - I loved every minute! I could sit for 8 hours straight like that in the sun and watch people compete every weekend! In fact....I used to...only I was competing for a few of those hours. We were all hot and sweaty on Saturday as we sat and watched so no pictures were taken but I at least took one with the sis on Sunday! Sad I didn't even get one with my rents.

I love humidity. I love my family. I love Texas. And I love Track and Field. It was the perfect weekend. Thanks mom, dad, and Meme for joining us! What a great time!