6 months ago exactly from today, on May 21st, I found out that we had lost our first baby. Things had looked fine up to that point. Healthy ultrasound two weeks prior, healthy heartbeat, baby measured correctly. And everything just stopped at 11 weeks along. 6 months ago to the day tomorrow, on May 22nd, I had a D&C. It was horrific and tragic, but we chose to see it as a blessing. We believe that miscarriage occurs when chromosomes don't add up correctly, therefore, they are a blessing as the pregnancy stops before the baby progresses on too far and then later wouldn't survive or would have severe deficits and deformities.
Tomorrow, 6 months to the day after our first D&C, I am having another D&C. I am almost 12 weeks pregnant, only things never looked right this time from our first ultrasound on. The pregnancy felt right - I have been very sick and tired, and with all the typical pregnancy symptoms. My HCG and Progesterone levels have been rising correctly. But the baby was not progressing normally on the ultrasounds. The baby was measuring behind. For the last three weeks we have begged and prayed and pleaded with the Lord to work a miracle inside me and provide us with a healthy baby. Prayed our dates were just off or we just had a little "late bloomer". On Tuesday, we found that His answer was not the answer we were hoping for.
A friend at work, who has also suffered multiple miscarriages and eventually had to go to other routes to have a child, was talking with me today. She said to me that she felt fertility problems of any kind, and definitely recurrent miscarriages, were a different kind of grief than most grief in this world. If you have gone through similar struggles, you would understand this. It's not just one event of grief, the miscarriage, the loss, but it's the little grief, the constant little things that cause recurrent grief over and over. It's the dates that you remember (I would have been this many weeks along, I would have been in this trimester today) every week from then on. It's the grief every month from then on, trying to get pregnant again and mourning the losses of your first tries all at the same time. Mourning when you aren't pregnant and mourning when you are. It's every baby you see or baby things you see in the store (or at work for me). It's every time you see a friend or a loved one get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy, when yours just won't work right despite every effort. It's the due dates of your lost babies (for me, December 19th and June 14th will forever be hard days).
God doesn't promise us a life without grief or hardship. He doesn't promise us children or that things will always go the way we plan. This is hard for me as a planner. And this has not at all been my plan. But He does promise that He has a plan for our lives, whether it matches mine or not, one with a hope and a future. And He does grieve with us (I love the story when "Jesus Wept" as he heard his friend Lazarus died, even though he knew that Lazarus would be revived from the dead later).
Am I sad? Yes. Do I wish this were the way things happened with my life? No. But I also know that trials in life bring me closer to family and Christ than any other time. While we go through this again and are obviously devastated, we know God
is writing our story. We know He has a plan and will see it on to
completion, whatever route of having children His plan may be. And we know that the day we do have our first child, in whatever method that may come, will be ever sweeter because it has been so much work and tribulation getting there.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Friday, December 14, 2012
Tragedy
I haven't blogged in awhile. I thought about blogging after the theater shootings in Aurora. At the time, I was a bit too directly involved for it to feel appropriate. But there was another mass shooting today. In another unimaginable place where you should feel safe....a public elementary school in a small suburban town. And today, I want to write.
Being a certified wound care nurse in an Aurora, CO hospital, literally minutes from the theater where James Holmes attacked, I treated several of the patients from the horrific shootings this summer. My pager went off about an hour after the shootings, but I don't take "call" since I'm the only wound nurse in the hospital, so I didn't answer it. I often get ridiculous pages at 2am, like "I need a specialty mattress" or "I can't find this dressing". But when I awoke around 6 that morning and saw my phone with missed calls, I knew something was up. I rushed to the hospital shortly after.
If you are an acute care medical provider, you'll understand me when I say I thrive in emergent situations. It's in our personalities, part of our jobs to be cool and collected during chaos, to work quickly and fluidly in critical times. While I missed most of the ER chaos by the time I got there, my consult list that day was still cluttered with shooting victims. It was work as usual - wound VACs, dressing changes, and treatment plans. I see horrific things in my job often....burn victims, car crashes, crazy accidents. But this was different. These were adults and children seriously wounded or even killed, by a selfish gunman who lived and worked across the street from my hospital. No one saw it coming and no one could fathom why it occurred. I may have been composed at work that week, but cried driving home most days. This situation has changed me forever. It made a mass tragedy real. I saw the effects of the tragedy, I met the victims and their families. I heard stories of the friends or family members that were shot and/or murdered right in front of them. I will forever be affected by this. Public crowds make me nervous. I have started looking for an escape route when in a busy place, just in case. The first movie we saw in a theater since the shooting was just a few weeks ago - and I truly struggled while sitting there.
I will never understand the motive behind a shooting like that. Not in Aurora, and not in Connecticut. Innocent people just living their everyday lives? How can this happen? Evil. That's how.
The older I get, the more I understand and believe in spiritual warfare. When I was younger, it was just flitty images in my head after reading a Frank Peretti book with angels and demons fighting. Now, I see. It's real. Talking to victims in the Aurora shootings, I can't deny that there was spiritual warfare in the theater that night. I believe that the angels, the heavenly hosts you sing about in Christmas songs, won out after awhile in that battle - I believe this is why James Holmes' gun jammed, why his apartment, rigged with explosives didn't go off. I believe that's why the shooter's gun jammed after only killing two in the Oregon mall the other day. There was spiritual warfare in the Connecticut school today. And Satan may have won, but he will not win out in the end.
I pray for the victim's families today, for the teachers and children who survived, for the first responders who will have that massacre in their minds for days to come. This tragedy is real. It will fade on TV, but it will haunt those affected forever. I don't know why these things occur. Why they seem to occur more often lately. But I know that Satan is real, and really evil. I know that God is real, and really in control. I pray that those affected in this tragedy will find the Lord's comfort during this time. And I pray that people will believe in the spiritual war around us.
Being a certified wound care nurse in an Aurora, CO hospital, literally minutes from the theater where James Holmes attacked, I treated several of the patients from the horrific shootings this summer. My pager went off about an hour after the shootings, but I don't take "call" since I'm the only wound nurse in the hospital, so I didn't answer it. I often get ridiculous pages at 2am, like "I need a specialty mattress" or "I can't find this dressing". But when I awoke around 6 that morning and saw my phone with missed calls, I knew something was up. I rushed to the hospital shortly after.
If you are an acute care medical provider, you'll understand me when I say I thrive in emergent situations. It's in our personalities, part of our jobs to be cool and collected during chaos, to work quickly and fluidly in critical times. While I missed most of the ER chaos by the time I got there, my consult list that day was still cluttered with shooting victims. It was work as usual - wound VACs, dressing changes, and treatment plans. I see horrific things in my job often....burn victims, car crashes, crazy accidents. But this was different. These were adults and children seriously wounded or even killed, by a selfish gunman who lived and worked across the street from my hospital. No one saw it coming and no one could fathom why it occurred. I may have been composed at work that week, but cried driving home most days. This situation has changed me forever. It made a mass tragedy real. I saw the effects of the tragedy, I met the victims and their families. I heard stories of the friends or family members that were shot and/or murdered right in front of them. I will forever be affected by this. Public crowds make me nervous. I have started looking for an escape route when in a busy place, just in case. The first movie we saw in a theater since the shooting was just a few weeks ago - and I truly struggled while sitting there.
I will never understand the motive behind a shooting like that. Not in Aurora, and not in Connecticut. Innocent people just living their everyday lives? How can this happen? Evil. That's how.
The older I get, the more I understand and believe in spiritual warfare. When I was younger, it was just flitty images in my head after reading a Frank Peretti book with angels and demons fighting. Now, I see. It's real. Talking to victims in the Aurora shootings, I can't deny that there was spiritual warfare in the theater that night. I believe that the angels, the heavenly hosts you sing about in Christmas songs, won out after awhile in that battle - I believe this is why James Holmes' gun jammed, why his apartment, rigged with explosives didn't go off. I believe that's why the shooter's gun jammed after only killing two in the Oregon mall the other day. There was spiritual warfare in the Connecticut school today. And Satan may have won, but he will not win out in the end.
I pray for the victim's families today, for the teachers and children who survived, for the first responders who will have that massacre in their minds for days to come. This tragedy is real. It will fade on TV, but it will haunt those affected forever. I don't know why these things occur. Why they seem to occur more often lately. But I know that Satan is real, and really evil. I know that God is real, and really in control. I pray that those affected in this tragedy will find the Lord's comfort during this time. And I pray that people will believe in the spiritual war around us.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Sunshine and Springtime
Wow spring has flown by! It's almost summer...which is absolutely insane to me! The good news is, Colorado's spring was fabulous! We haven't had snow since February, it's been in the 60s-70s most days, and of course in CO - SUNNY SUNNY SUNNY! I didn't realize it until I moved here, but this really is the sunshine state. And while I truly do miss thunderstorms, I'll definitely take 300 days a year of sunshine. So what have we done with all this amazing spring weather? LOTS!
A few weeks ago, we traveled our way down to Lake City to visit the Ravanesis! They are good friends from Dallas who now live/work at Sky Ranch Ute Trail. Eudaly surprised us with a last minute visit the same week so he tagged along as well! I think Grant was in heaven. While I love Colorado and am a pretty outdoorsy athletic gal, I also happen to love the city life. G? He could live in a cabin in the woods for the rest of his life if you let him. Fish everyday and look at the stars at night. That's all he needs. Lake City has no fast food, no shopping, and only 3 restaurants (we went to the same one twice while there! hahaha) The closest hospital is an hour away in Gunnison and a mall? Forget it. You have to drive 4 hours to Denver! We loved our time there. Grant got his "man" fix with fly fishing and mountain biking and I got my "baby" fix with Lizzie! (Matt and Jennie's four month old baby)
Finally, our favorite event in the last few months, Totally Tennyson! Tennyson street is the main drag in our neighborhood, with shops, wine bars, and restaraunts all along it. They annually host a fundraiser for the Denver Public Schools in which they shut the street down and turn it into an 80s pub crawl! We had a blast. Dressed to impress in our 80s gear, we hit the street and ate and drank until we were almost sick. Live 80s bands, free giveaways, and even the Ghostbusters car - it was SO FUN!
A few weeks ago, we traveled our way down to Lake City to visit the Ravanesis! They are good friends from Dallas who now live/work at Sky Ranch Ute Trail. Eudaly surprised us with a last minute visit the same week so he tagged along as well! I think Grant was in heaven. While I love Colorado and am a pretty outdoorsy athletic gal, I also happen to love the city life. G? He could live in a cabin in the woods for the rest of his life if you let him. Fish everyday and look at the stars at night. That's all he needs. Lake City has no fast food, no shopping, and only 3 restaurants (we went to the same one twice while there! hahaha) The closest hospital is an hour away in Gunnison and a mall? Forget it. You have to drive 4 hours to Denver! We loved our time there. Grant got his "man" fix with fly fishing and mountain biking and I got my "baby" fix with Lizzie! (Matt and Jennie's four month old baby)
We also have been busy in Denver! Dinners downtown, days in the park, a few fishing trips, and even a 5k, we are truly Denverites these days!
Moral of the story? We are loving CO and we love SPRING!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Ode to Public School
So naturally, when we wanted to get involved in a church, part of what led me to love Park Church is their passion and service to the public schools in our neighborhood, particularly North High School. For the last year, Grant and I have served North in any way we can through the church. Cookies for teacher appreciation, fundraiser events, giving money or time, and especially by serving monthly at Young Life North. Once a month, we make dinner for the Young Life Kids and serve it on Monday night. We go early and Grant plays basketball with the boys while I get the food ready. We stay and set up/tear down for the games and meeting time, and we participate with the kids in any way we can. It has been so fun. I have constant flashbacks of my own time at youth group in the "Crooked I". Good ole days at Plymouth Park and FCA. Spam toss, water balloon fights, passing oreos from mouth to mouth - ALL OF THESE GAMES ARE STILL PLAYED! I will say, I am getting old, because the thought of participating in these games grosses me out now! But I used to love them and the high school kids now do as well!
Last week was our last week to serve for the school year. We had Young Life outside since the weather was so great. Pizza and soda picnic, then lots of outdoor games. I finally snapped some pics of the kids playing games.
I am so blessed to have been a part of a public school and particularly being a part of that volleyball and track team. It taught me alot. And I can't imagine my life without it. Who would I be without days of "booty dancing" on the bus after meets? Watching "Love and Basketball" over and over? Meme practicing cornrows on my hair? Being a part of a big, booming UIL sports system and all the competition that entailed? I wouldn't have changed a minute of it.
Thanks mom and dad for sending me to IHS. Thanks for loving on my teammates and teaching me how to live, love and serve. Here's to Young Life North and public school!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
A Colorado Easter
Our first holiday at "home". And by home, I mean home where we live, not home where are from.
We opted not to go home (to Texas - I know my "home" referencing can get quite confusing!) for Easter this year in attempt to invest in our city, our friends, and our church here in Denver over the holiday instead (Not to mention flights on holidays are RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE!). So invest we did! We had a blast.
Friday night, we had a reflective service of mourning in honor of Jesus' death on the cross. It was a short time of worship and scripture reading. It was beautiful. It made good Friday so much more reflective. Even more meaningful to me since I had a hectic and busy day at work that day, with critically ill patients and disagreement amongst services on how to treat them. My work day Friday gave me no time to reflect. I got home and was stressed and frustrated (it's not a holiday here like it is in Texas! And yet...we get President's day off?! That's frustrating in itself!). I was even thinking I was too exhausted to go to the church service. I'm so glad we went. It reminded me to quit focusing on trivial things here on earth, like the person at work who rubbed me wrong way or the wound that isn't healing as fast as I'd like, and start focusing on why I work in the first place. To be a light to those people. To share the gifts the ultimate healer gave me. Who am I to think I'm healing those wounds in the first place?
Saturday we had a fun surprise! Tauber and his GF came to town and we got to hang with them! Well, let me clarify. It was a surprise to me - my husband knew all about it. Even the fact that they were staying with us. He just forget to mention it to his loving wife. :) We went hiking and the boys fished in the afternoon while Kristen and I sat by the river and read. It was fabulous.
Sunday was perfect. Beautiful and sunny - 75 degrees. We went to breakfast with Tauber and Kristen and then headed over to Sloans Lake to Park Church's Easter BBQ! It was great! The kiddos had an easter egg hunt and I must say, the little ones from our small group made out with a killing of candy! Then we ate amazing brisket and potluck style sides, Grant got beat in ladderball by a 7 year old, and cornhole and frisbees were thrown all afternoon!
We then headed home, rested up, and went back to church at 6. The service was a perfect celebration of Christ. We started with baptism....
We opted not to go home (to Texas - I know my "home" referencing can get quite confusing!) for Easter this year in attempt to invest in our city, our friends, and our church here in Denver over the holiday instead (Not to mention flights on holidays are RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE!). So invest we did! We had a blast.
Friday night, we had a reflective service of mourning in honor of Jesus' death on the cross. It was a short time of worship and scripture reading. It was beautiful. It made good Friday so much more reflective. Even more meaningful to me since I had a hectic and busy day at work that day, with critically ill patients and disagreement amongst services on how to treat them. My work day Friday gave me no time to reflect. I got home and was stressed and frustrated (it's not a holiday here like it is in Texas! And yet...we get President's day off?! That's frustrating in itself!). I was even thinking I was too exhausted to go to the church service. I'm so glad we went. It reminded me to quit focusing on trivial things here on earth, like the person at work who rubbed me wrong way or the wound that isn't healing as fast as I'd like, and start focusing on why I work in the first place. To be a light to those people. To share the gifts the ultimate healer gave me. Who am I to think I'm healing those wounds in the first place?
Saturday we had a fun surprise! Tauber and his GF came to town and we got to hang with them! Well, let me clarify. It was a surprise to me - my husband knew all about it. Even the fact that they were staying with us. He just forget to mention it to his loving wife. :) We went hiking and the boys fished in the afternoon while Kristen and I sat by the river and read. It was fabulous.
Sunday was perfect. Beautiful and sunny - 75 degrees. We went to breakfast with Tauber and Kristen and then headed over to Sloans Lake to Park Church's Easter BBQ! It was great! The kiddos had an easter egg hunt and I must say, the little ones from our small group made out with a killing of candy! Then we ate amazing brisket and potluck style sides, Grant got beat in ladderball by a 7 year old, and cornhole and frisbees were thrown all afternoon!
We then headed home, rested up, and went back to church at 6. The service was a perfect celebration of Christ. We started with baptism....
After baptism we headed into the church, where each of us were handed a flower and before sitting at our seat we placed it in a jar at the alter of the church. Then it was worship time. Page CXVI (our worship band) did an amazing job and it was a beautiful time of singing and praise.
Brian gave a great sermon and we sang some more. Then we headed out to dinner with some friends. Not exactly the fancy feast my extended family always makes on Easter, in fact, it was mexican food! But it definitely will suffice.
We missed our family in Dallas and our traditional Easter, but are truly glad we stayed. We had a great time with Park Church, Taub and Kristen, and our good friends from small group. Maybe next Easter family will come up to us and enjoy Easter the Denver way!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Texas Relays and Track Reminiscing
I love track and field. It may not be the most popular sport in the US, but it certainly is my favorite.
I MISS track and field. I was so fortunate to get to jump in college for Arkansas back in the day. Does 5 years ago count as back in the day? I think it does. My body is certainly not what it used to be and I certainly couldn't go out and run as fast, jump as high, or lift the amount of weight I could then, so back in the day certainly makes that seem more acceptable! So yes - I miss high jumping back in the day and this last weekend made me miss it all the more!
Grant and I got to fly to Austin and meet up with my parents and Meme to see the Texas Relays! This was one of my favorite track meets when I was competing. There are so many memories and emotions revolving around that meet. It's one of the largest meets in the country - with high school, college, and professionals all competing over 4 days. I fell in love with high jump in 8th grade when my dad took me to Texas Relays to watch Erin Aldridge (a volleyball player and high jumper for UT who was my idol as a kid). I competed there for the first time my softmore year, all wide eyed and terrified at how huge and loud the crowd was. I competed and placed in the state competition there my senior year of high school, missing most of my prom to do so. I hid under the bleachers with Jessica Johnson as it poured down rain my freshman year of college, jumping in a monsoon first. I jumped the best I ever had and received 2nd place at Texas Relays my junior year of college. And then....I tore my knee in a warm up jump and jumped the worst I ever did in college my senior year, ending my high jump career and having surgery soon after. Lots of memories. Lots of emotion. So it was a little bittersweet going back. But it sure did bring up lots of reminiscing! Here's a few pics I have on my computer from time I competed there. I have lots more but they are pre digital age. :)
Softmore year of high school outside our hotel - haha - I'm pretty sure all of us stayed in one hotel room. Oh the IHS days...and this was the year Maurice Green ran and Meme hyperventilated and acted a fool when she saw him!
I MISS track and field. I was so fortunate to get to jump in college for Arkansas back in the day. Does 5 years ago count as back in the day? I think it does. My body is certainly not what it used to be and I certainly couldn't go out and run as fast, jump as high, or lift the amount of weight I could then, so back in the day certainly makes that seem more acceptable! So yes - I miss high jumping back in the day and this last weekend made me miss it all the more!
Grant and I got to fly to Austin and meet up with my parents and Meme to see the Texas Relays! This was one of my favorite track meets when I was competing. There are so many memories and emotions revolving around that meet. It's one of the largest meets in the country - with high school, college, and professionals all competing over 4 days. I fell in love with high jump in 8th grade when my dad took me to Texas Relays to watch Erin Aldridge (a volleyball player and high jumper for UT who was my idol as a kid). I competed there for the first time my softmore year, all wide eyed and terrified at how huge and loud the crowd was. I competed and placed in the state competition there my senior year of high school, missing most of my prom to do so. I hid under the bleachers with Jessica Johnson as it poured down rain my freshman year of college, jumping in a monsoon first. I jumped the best I ever had and received 2nd place at Texas Relays my junior year of college. And then....I tore my knee in a warm up jump and jumped the worst I ever did in college my senior year, ending my high jump career and having surgery soon after. Lots of memories. Lots of emotion. So it was a little bittersweet going back. But it sure did bring up lots of reminiscing! Here's a few pics I have on my computer from time I competed there. I have lots more but they are pre digital age. :)
Softmore year of high school outside our hotel - haha - I'm pretty sure all of us stayed in one hotel room. Oh the IHS days...and this was the year Maurice Green ran and Meme hyperventilated and acted a fool when she saw him!
Junior year of college - clearing 5'10 and getting 2nd place
So after competing there for 8 years, this was the first year I returned to be a spectator at the blessed Texas Relays! And although it brought up lots of emotion, it was fabulous! A great time with my parents and my sis Meme, wonderful weather, tons of talent, and even a tan! Amy Acuff high jumping, getting to see old teammates Wallace Spearman and LaShante Moore run in the pro events, seeing my college alma mater compete, several future olympians around, and even watching the cute little high school teams run - I loved every minute! I could sit for 8 hours straight like that in the sun and watch people compete every weekend! In fact....I used to...only I was competing for a few of those hours. We were all hot and sweaty on Saturday as we sat and watched so no pictures were taken but I at least took one with the sis on Sunday! Sad I didn't even get one with my rents.
I love humidity. I love my family. I love Texas. And I love Track and Field. It was the perfect weekend. Thanks mom, dad, and Meme for joining us! What a great time!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Song of the week
Do you ever feel like everything is crashing around you and there's nothing you can do about it? You fight battle after battle, most of which are not even your own, and you just can't seem to win? Thus is my life these days.
It can be overwhelming - health battles, relational battles, work battles, emotional battles, financial battles. This world really is a war. It affects me to my very core. It affects my every move. Why you ask? Well, because, if you didn't realize..I happen to be female. I truly believe we are 100% different than men in the way we deal with life. At least Grant and I are 100% different there. Guys can compartmentalize. Guys can react rationally to a problem at hand. Me? I am an emotional being. I carry all these worries and emotions and take on everything as if it's my own problem to fix...from my own issues, to patients in my hospital, to issues in my family, and issues that are Grant's. And when I can't fix them all....I get even more emotional. (I still maintain that part is not my fault. I cry at the drop of a hat because my mother does!) So what have I been like the last few weeks you ask? SUPER EMOTIONAL!
When I get emotional, I also get kinda "emo". Like every song has meaning and all lyrics are speaking to what I'm feeling. My favorite thing to do when I'm sad is sit alone and listen to music. There have been a few songs I can't get away from lately.
It can be overwhelming - health battles, relational battles, work battles, emotional battles, financial battles. This world really is a war. It affects me to my very core. It affects my every move. Why you ask? Well, because, if you didn't realize..I happen to be female. I truly believe we are 100% different than men in the way we deal with life. At least Grant and I are 100% different there. Guys can compartmentalize. Guys can react rationally to a problem at hand. Me? I am an emotional being. I carry all these worries and emotions and take on everything as if it's my own problem to fix...from my own issues, to patients in my hospital, to issues in my family, and issues that are Grant's. And when I can't fix them all....I get even more emotional. (I still maintain that part is not my fault. I cry at the drop of a hat because my mother does!) So what have I been like the last few weeks you ask? SUPER EMOTIONAL!
When I get emotional, I also get kinda "emo". Like every song has meaning and all lyrics are speaking to what I'm feeling. My favorite thing to do when I'm sad is sit alone and listen to music. There have been a few songs I can't get away from lately.
IT'S TIME - IMAGINE DRAGONS
So this is what you meant? When you said that you were spent.
And now it’s time to build from the bottom of the pit right to the top,
Don’t hold back
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain-check
I don’t ever want to let you down
I don’t ever want to leave this town
‘cause after all
This city never sleeps at night...
It’s time to begin, isn’t it, I get a little bit
Bigger, but then, I’ll admit, I’m just the same as I was
now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am.
So this is where you fell,
and I am left to sell the path that heaven runs through miles of clouded hell, right to the top - don't look back
Turning to rags and give the commodities a rain-check
I don’t ever want to let you down
I don’t ever want to leave this town
‘cause after all
This city never sleeps at night...
It’s time to begin, isn’t it, I get a little bit
Bigger, but then, I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was
now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am
This road never looked so lonely,
This house doesn’t burn down slowly,
To ashes, To ashes
It’s time to begin, isn’t it, i get a little bit
Bigger, but then, I’ll admit, I’m just the same as i was
now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who i am
SONG FOR YOU - ALEXI MURDOCH
So today I wrote a song for you
Cause a day can get so long
And I know its hard to make it through
When you say theres something wrong
So Im trying to put it right
Cause I want to love you with my heart
All this trying has made me tight
And I dont know even where to start
Maybe thats a start
Cause you know its a simple game
That you play filling up your head with rain
And you know you are hiding from your pain
In the way, in the way you say your name
And I see you
Hiding your face in your hands
Flying so you wont land
You think no one understands
No one understands
So you hunch your shoulders and you shake your head
And your throat is aching but you swear
No one hurts you, nothing could be sad
Anyway youre not here enough to care
And youre so tired you dont sleep at night
As your heart is trying to mend
You keep it quiet but you think you might
Disappear before the end
And its strange that you cannot find
Any strength to even try
To find a voice to speak your mind
When you do, all you wanna do is cry
Well maybe you should cry
And I see you hiding your face in your hands
Talking bout far-away lands
You think no one understands
Listen to my hands
And all of this life
Moves around you
For all that you claim
Youre standing still
You are moving too
You are moving too
You are moving too
I will move you
Cause a day can get so long
And I know its hard to make it through
When you say theres something wrong
So Im trying to put it right
Cause I want to love you with my heart
All this trying has made me tight
And I dont know even where to start
Maybe thats a start
Cause you know its a simple game
That you play filling up your head with rain
And you know you are hiding from your pain
In the way, in the way you say your name
And I see you
Hiding your face in your hands
Flying so you wont land
You think no one understands
No one understands
So you hunch your shoulders and you shake your head
And your throat is aching but you swear
No one hurts you, nothing could be sad
Anyway youre not here enough to care
And youre so tired you dont sleep at night
As your heart is trying to mend
You keep it quiet but you think you might
Disappear before the end
And its strange that you cannot find
Any strength to even try
To find a voice to speak your mind
When you do, all you wanna do is cry
Well maybe you should cry
And I see you hiding your face in your hands
Talking bout far-away lands
You think no one understands
Listen to my hands
And all of this life
Moves around you
For all that you claim
Youre standing still
You are moving too
You are moving too
You are moving too
I will move you
I love music. It brings out feelings I don't expose otherwise. But it doesn't make my battles go away.
I also love our church. It is so different than anything I've been a part of. Maybe because it's a church in a very different culture. Church in Denver is so different than church in Texas. Maybe because it's small and a more family feel. Whatever the reason, God has put us at Park Church in the perfect timing. We have been going through Hebrews and I love what I'm learning. God is telling me "Hey you! I'm here! This is all for my glory!" with every sermon.
A few weeks ago it was with Hebrews 12:3 - "Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart". And 12:7 - Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son was not disciplined by his father?" And 12:12-13 - "Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet so that you may not be disabled".
Then the next week, Hebrews 12:14 - Make every effort to live in peace with all men and be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord".
And finally, this week. Hebrews 13:5 - "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence 'The Lord is my helper! I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'".
So what am I trying to say? I'm saying that I so often forget that in the midst of all the gunfire of life, there is someone so much greater than me in control of it all. Someone who wants to fight my battles with me. Fight them for me. And sometimes, he even puts me smack in the middle of the battlefield to strengthen me. So while things might be overwhelming and hard, "He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted" - Job 5:9. And I'm choosing to trust that. And trust that he is the greatest warrior known. Bring on the battles.
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