30 for 30

2013 has been rough for us.

Many of you know this if you walk through day to day life with us, as Grant and I agreed a long time ago that we would always share our struggles openly so that we had appropriate support, love, and guidance throughout life's imminent trials. We really believe in the necessity of a strong community to walk through the goods and bads of life with you, which is a lot of why we choose to lead a "community group" through our church.

But if you aren't in our day to day lives, I never felt the need to share. I'm not really the kind that shares my every life's detail on facebook/blogs. However, it occurred to me tonight that maybe someone else that isn't in my immediate lifeline needs to hear my story. And so share I will.

I am supposed to be 9 months pregnant right now. I am also supposed to be 15 weeks pregnant right now. But instead, I am not pregnant. In fact, I just had 15 vials of blood drawn on Friday to try and figure out why I can't seem to stay pregnant. I have had two miscarriages this year, both at the end of my first trimester. I had two D&Cs this year, exactly 6 months apart to the day, one on May 22nd, the other November 22nd. December 19th is supposed to be my first baby's due date. December 19th is also one month exactly from when I found out we for sure had lost our second baby. December 19th will be a difficult day.

We know God is writing our story. But honestly, after this second miscarriage, trouble recovering physically from this second D&C, and less support this time due to other strife within my family and holiday distractions, I have been struggling to hang on to this promise the last few weeks. I have been at a loss of where to go from here. What to do now. I have felt very alone. I have been an emotional roller coaster. And then today, God spoke to me in an unusual place to help calm my crazy heart.

We were watching a 30 for 30 episode tonight and I had an epiphany through the life of Maurice Clarett. If you know who Maurice Clarett is, you would not find a correlation between recurrent miscarriages and the story of a troubled athlete let go from Ohio State for something silly, which spiraled him into a world of drug dealing/alcohol that led to 4 years in prison. But this story touched my heart. I related to Maurice and how lost he felt after not being allowed to play football. The only other time I have felt truly lost in my life was when I blew my knee out end of junior year of college, had two surgeries and couldn't really contend in track anymore. I thought being a successful athlete was my purpose at the time. And I feel lost now, perhaps because my heart's desire is a baby and I thought that being a mother should be my purpose right now.

But my epiphany truly occurred when Jim Tressel was talking about Maurice. Jim Tressel, Ohio State coach in the early 2000s explained Maurice's situation as: "Your goals constantly revise based upon your circumstance, but your greater purpose, your true reason for being, always supra cedes." Maurice's true reason for being supra ceded his bad luck and poor choices. It supra ceded his desire to be a player in the NFL. God had a greater purpose for him. He is now out of prison, a good father, a motivational speaker and working with Jim Tressel to empower young athletes to make good choices.  His life now is much more influential than his life could have been as a successful football player and I pray he chooses to let God continue to use him.

My greater purpose in this chapter of our lives will supra cede as well. It may mean I won't have children of my own blood, which could become a beautiful story. It may mean I do have a child in the near future and appreciate that child all the more after losing two this year. I don't know. But it was a great reminder that God is always working in our lives, in good times and bad, and always has a plan of where our lives will go if we trust in Him.

So thanks ESPN for this 30 for 30. Who knew it would touch me with my very unrelated (as it seems anyway) story. I will try to remember these lessons as we walk through the next few months, mourning the loss of two children in 2013 and trying to figure out what 2014 holds for us.